Right, whose dad asked for a Fergie album? Because it’s been over a decade since her last one and a lot has happened since then – new talent has emerged, a whole new sound has left The Black Eyed Peas behind, and Double Dutchess is going to have to hit an absolute sixer if it’s to be counted as anything but an also-ran.
It’s a shame that Fergie starts with the misleading Hungry (where she actually displays a prowess and passion that could set her up rather nicely in the modern landscape) because after that it all gets a bit embarrassing. Like It Ain’t Nuttin’ sounds like a parent doing karaoke, so devoid of bite and full of cringe rhymes that you’re quite keen to get Fergie home before she completely ruins her own credibility. Which was limited in the first place, to be fair.
We’d have liked Fergie to have surprised us with bop after bop, but it doesn’t look that’ll happen in this lifetime. The horror show continues with staid, anachronistic beats on You Already Know; whether it’s the dodgy mix or just the weight of it all, things never quite meld despite the presence of Nicki Minaj. Ballads like Just Like You and A Little Work come and go like regular doses of tranquiliser, but it’s only when Life Goes On arrives that our excitement raises a little.
Of course, we soon realise that it’s only shining in the reflected glow of the polished turds around it. It’s soon followed by the horrendous M.I.L.F. $ which tells us “you got that milk money, I got that MILF money,” which – quite frankly – we don’t even know where to start with dissecting. There’s minor respite in Enchante (Carine) and Tension, but it’s nowhere near enough to compensate for the tragedy on either side. Sorry, Fergie, but you’re going to have to spend a lot more of that MILF money for any kids and relatives that might need therapy after this embarrassment.