Memories… Do Not Open. That says it all, doesn’t it? Aural carcinogens The Chainsmokers have not only lodged themselves into public consciousness like genocide – swear to Christ if we hear one more cover of Closer we’ll commit that atrocity ourselves – they’ve also done it by being monumentally arrogant chauvinists.
So it’s with great glee that we announce that their album is full of the exact hot-air dross that deserves to drown along with all of their basic music knowledge. And basic is exactly what this is, from the twee YouTube piano opener The One and the unbelievably staid, horrifically offensive Break Up Every Night. “She’s got seven personalities, every one’s a tragedy,” they sing with the lack of self-awareness normally reserved for Kim Jong-Un. Trust us, she’s better off having seven tragic personalities than the deplorable ones on display here.
The Chainsmokers are, essentially, the mansplainers of pop. They’re the internet trolls who are aggrieved by feminism, the woe-is-me ones who are first to say #notallmen or All Lives Matter. Ironically, while they belittle a woman’s personality yet are happy for her to “fuck me back to life” (this is an actual lyric), their brand of obtuse, self-aggrandising chart-bait is saved purely by the females who get involved. Louane and Emily Warren, take a bow. You’ve taken one for the team in the way that someone in a friends’ circle starts dating the pervy one just to keep him off the streets.
Meanwhile, the Coldplay collaboration Something Just Like This answers the question of what the aural form of a terminal illness might take, a needless validation of overgrown children who start opining for love on Honest by saying: “You’re not the only one on my mind, if I’m being honest,” before deftly adding “…You said I should be honest.” Christ alive. So not only is common human virtue a stretch for them, their infidelity and its admission are someone else’s fault.
There is no justification for the existence of The Chainsmokers. Their mainstream success reflects the rise of Brexit and Trump, given they represent a section of societal views that should quite rightly be consigned to the past but are being dressed in the flowery package of self-actualisation. One thing’s for absolute certain, though: if chain-smoking gives you lung cancer, then these adult babies will certainly do the same for your ears. Do Not Open indeed.